Finding What's Lost
by mellowship
Summary: "Kisses stolen in the dark of the night, confessions exchanged when the rest of the world had been sleeping, none of that matters because she refuses to shrug off her cloak of social superiority" DB one-shot, season 4 spoilers.


Disclaimer: Don't own Gossip Girl

Warnings: Spoilers and plot speculation ahead!

* * *

**Finding What's Lost  
**

* * *

Writing. It's the only thing Dan Humphrey knows, and the only thing he loves.

Okay, that's a lie.

He loves… well, Dan won't say her name. He _can't_. The kisses stolen in the dark of the night, the confessions exchanged when the rest of the world had been sleeping, none of that matters because s_he _refuses to shrug off her cloak of social superiority.

It's not like Dan intended to fall madly for her. She doesn't have lustrous golden locks or ocean blue eyes or legs that go on for miles; no, she is certainly _not_ Serena van der Woodsen. Serena van der Woodsen wouldn't give a fuck about other peoples' opinions. That's why whatever they had, it was all wrong.

At least that's what Dan tells himself as he clicks through pictures on Facebook of the girl that turned his world upside down. Shiny brunette curls carefully lain down narrow shoulders, two red-stained lips curving up into a fake smile. It's the wide, lost eyes that give Blair Waldorf away, though. Through them, Dan can read her right down to the marrow of her soul.

He recalls the time they'd recently spent working on a project for Blair's internship at Vogue. Afternoons had been spent brainstorming and photo-taking and, well, mostly arguing, if Dan is being completely honest with himself. Working with Blair had been a nightmare at first, but Dan had known that things had started changing when the long-lashed brunette noticed the first edition copy of _Emma_ tucked safely away on Dan's bookshelf. She'd picked it up gingerly and smiled, thumbing through the yellowed pages with incredible care. Soon enough, afternoon meetings had extended into the evening hours, and arguments about semantics turned to debates about the 19th century novels.

Dan stops clicking his mouse when the screen presents a picture of him and Blair. A lopsided grin flashes across his face wistfully, and unable to restrain himself, Dan thinks about moment they had started treading down a dangerous path. It had been the night they finished the project. They had been celebrating with a bottle of wine and a DVD of _Funny Face_, and Blair had been curled up in the corner of Dan's couch, the stem of her crystal glass rolling between her thumbs.

* * *

"_Humphrey?" she asks, her voice splitting the silence as she twists in her seat to face Dan._

_Dan shifts his gaze from the television to Blair. He clears his throat."Yeah?"_

"_Jo and Dick. Aren't they a funny couple?" _

_The question is vague and Dan's not quite sure what the brunette is getting at. "Huh?" Not quite the most eloquent response, he decides, but it'll do. _

"_They barely liked each other. Don't you think it's a little unbelievable that they'd fall in_ love_?" Blair questions pointedly. _

_Dan furrows his brows in thought. "Well, I… No, actually. I think it's realistic. It happens all the time in the real world. Look at how you and Chuck came to be."_

_Blair rolls her eyes. "Yeah, look at us," she snorts, getting to her feet to stare out of the rain-spattered window. "I'd like to be proven right, just once, that love can be simple. That it can just… be."_

"_I think it _can _be simple. You just have to, ah, you know, quit trying so hard to find it. I'm pretty sure love doesn't have criteria for its participants." Dan stands up and makes his way to the kitchen island to pour another glass of wine. "Want more?"_

_Turning around to look at Dan, Blair smiles softly. She pads across the open room and holds out her empty glass. "Since when did you become all wise and Confucius-like?" she asks, watching as Dan pours the red liquid into the crystal. _

"_Eh, it's kind of hard not to learn a few things when you're a serial dater," Dan jokes, the corner of his lips tugging up into a crooked smile. _

_Dan's eyes catch Blair's lips as she laughs. It's a genuine and lively sound, and Dan's never heard anything quite like it before. Strangest of all, _he'd_ been the one to cause it! _

_The laughter abruptly stops when Blair meets his gaze. There's a long silence, a nervous silence. The credits are rolling in the background, and all of a sudden Dan has no idea what to do. He blinks, clears his throat, scratches the back of his head. "So, uh… That's it then, huh?" he comments awkwardly. "I guess you'll be turning everything in to _Vogue _tomorrow?"_

"_Well, it _is _the deadline, you know," Blair replies with a half-hearted smirk, her tone falling just short of snarky. _

"_Right."_

_Silence fills the room as Blair stares expectantly._

_Now, Dan Humphrey not a particularly risky man, but he thinks he catches Blair's drift, and so he takes a gamble. "If, uh, you know, you ever want to talk __Dostoevsky sometime, my schedule's pretty open."_

_Blair's eyes light up in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment. "Mine isn't, but maybe some free time will open up, say, tomorrow night?"_

_"Tomorrow night," Dan repeats._

_

* * *

_The following night had been the first of many, many others in which Blair and Dan found themselves denying to themselves, and then pretending to others, that they were strictly platonic. Hell, even now, Dan can't believe that they had ever been more than friends.

Slamming his laptop shut, Dan pushes out his chair and rests his elbows on his knees, head falling into his hands. He's not supposed to like Blair Waldorf, let alone want to be with her twenty-four seven; it's just unnatural.

He gets up, makes his way towards the couch, and collapses on the soft cushions, dragging his hands through thick curls. Thunder rolls in the sky as rain pours down, and Dan can't help but deem it fitting for his current emotions. He imagines that he and Blair would still be together if Gossip Girl hadn't received a tip about him leaving the Waldorf penthouse at six in the morning, if Serena hadn't flipped out, if Chuck hadn't threatened social annihilation. All of it _did _happen, though, and there's nothing that can be done to change it.

An hour passes and Dan still hasn't moved from the couch. He listens to the storm outside, tries to relax, but to no avail. The doorbell rings once, then twice, then three, four, five times in rapid succession. Groaning, Dan gets up and trudges to the door.

He's answered the door to Jehovah's Witnesses and schizophrenic vagrants before, but the current sight before Dan is unprecedented.

It's Blair.

She's trembling and soaked to the bone, her thin navy top clinging to her slender frame. Her eyes are wide and dark, and when she blinks, drops of rain fall from her long lashes and trail down porcelain cheeks. Dan knits his brows together in immediate concern, and rests a wide, broad hand over Blair's back, ushering her into his humble apartment. "Blair," Dan whispers, running his hands up and down the shivering girl's arms in an effort to warm her up. "What are you – why are you -"

"Shut up, Humphrey. Please, just shut up." Blair's words are harsh, urgent. She wrenches herself out of Dan's grasp and starts pacing around the room. When Blair lifts her head to speak again, Dan can see her cheeks smattered with droplets, this time of tears instead of rain. "I tried so hard to pretend that I don't care. I almost convinced myself I didn't, actually, and on the way here, I wanted nothing more than to tell the cab driver to turn around," she rambles, her voice quivering. She rushes to Dan, a hand fluttering to her chest as she emphasizes her point. "We're from two different worlds, Humphrey. You and I aren't supposed to _have_ a story, let alone a happy ending. You're supposed to be with Serena and I'm supposed to be with Chuck. That's how things should be. Don't you_ understand _that?"

Dan opens his mouth to protest, but is quickly shut up as Blair's lips crash against his with such unrestrained urgency that Dan can't stand to push her away. He wants to talk about this, figure things out, maybe convince Blair that she's wrong, but the way she feels in his arms right now, he just can't let go. His hands instinctively fly to Blair's hips, grabbing hard and pulling her body close to his own. Blair's shirt, though matted to milky flesh, finally yields against the pressing fingers that sneak beneath the fabric. "Blair," Dan breathes, taking in every second of the moment. He relishes in her scent, in her touch, in her curves, and it's not until he feels Blair reaching at his belt buckle that Dan is snapped back into reality. "Blair," he repeats her name, this time more firmly as he grabs her wrists and lowers them. "What are we doing?" he whispers, searching into her dark eyes.

Blair grazes long fingertips against Dan's clean-shaven face. Her lower lip trembles as she shakes her head slowly. "I don't know," she murmurs, blinking slowly to release a single tear. "Why is being away from you so hard? That's not how this was supposed to turn out."

"Because when you love someone, it's never easy to say goodbye."

Dan's eyes widen, incredulous at his own words, and Blair seems to follow suit. "_Love_?" she whispers in disbelief. Dan's stomach drops anxiously as Blair takes a step back from him. "You _love _me?"

_Fuck_. He's been caught, outed, figured out. Truth be told, Dan wishes he had kept the damn word from slipping out of his lips for fear of this exact reaction from Blair. "Yeah, uh, you know, I…" He trails off, fumbling interjections like a loose football in a rookie's fingers.

Blair shakes her head. "I can't believe it. Why - why didn't you tell me this before?"

Dan shrugs as he looks at Blair, slightly embarrassed. "Uh, I don't know. Maybe because I knew you'd react this way?"

"Well, how would you react if I told you _I_ love you?" Blair snaps defensively.

He doesn't need to think because the answer is simple. "I would be shocked that someone like you could love someone like me. I would be ecstatic knowing it's true. And honestly, I would be terrified of what lies ahead. You know what though? I'd be willing to go through hell to make it work. So, ah, there, that's would be my reaction. Satisfied?"

Blair crosses her arms, the look on her face unreadable. She doesn't respond, and that fact prompts Dan to nod his had knowingly. "Right, okay. Feel free to laugh at me now."

"Humphrey." Blair raises a perfectly-shaped eyebrow and stares at him expectantly.

Dan's exasperated. He doesn't know what she's getting at, and truthfully, he's starting to get more than a little irritated. "What?" he scowls, mortified that his true feelings have been laid out for no good reason.

"I asked how you'd react if I told you I love you."

"Right, and I answered," Dan replies, confused.

Blair pads towards Dan cautiously before giving him a nervous smile and linking her hands behind his neck. "I wanted to know because I love you, too," she says softly, "and now I know that you were right all along. You can't choose who you fall in love with, so here we are."

"Fresh start?" Dan asks, spirit soaring as he rests his forehead against Blair's.

Blair tilts her head, nips Dan's bottom lip, smiles contently. "Fresh start."


End file.
